To Be or Not To Be?
It was
getting worse. Every morning they’d be waiting for me to get on the school bus.
Sarah would shout horrible names and her two other mean friends Miranda and
Jane would copy. They would all stare at me with those piercing, malevolent
eyes. I always sat on my own, usually in a spare seat as far away from them as
possible. Sarah often crumpled up her bus ticket and threw it at me, giggling
amongst her friends. I felt so alone. This was how every day started…
In school, I
didn’t really have any friends. Most children in
Shakespeare High had established their own group of friends, so they just
ignored me. I moved to Shakespeare High about a year ago; we had to get out of
our area as we couldn’t afford to stay in the house we were living in. Now, mum
and I live in a small bungalow, not far away from my new high school. It’s big
enough for the both of us I guess. Our house is a simple home really, not much
furniture and it’s definitely not like my old house. Some days I wish I was
back there...well most days.
When I got
to school, I rushed upstairs to my form room, and waited for Miss Honey to
arrive. She was my form teacher. Miss Honey was always so lovely to me, asking
how I was. I said the same thing every day, “I’m fine thanks Miss Honey”. I
lied. Everyday, Miss Honey looked extremely pretty, wearing beautiful soft
dresses, with her long blonde hair cascading down her back. Some days it was
tied up in a bun, but I preferred it down. She had lovely blue eyes, the deepest
sea blue colour. Miss Honey had a lovely, bubbly personality. I adored her. So that was how I survived
mornings...almost.
At break
time, I tried going to the canteen to buy some toast, hoping not to bump into
Sarah and her gang. “Just my luck.” I
thought to myself, as she came bounding towards me. Sarah snatched my piece of
toast right out of my hand, and shoved me out of her way. She turned to Miranda
and Jane and sniggered, as I stumbled awkwardly past all of the year 10s. When
it came to lunch, I ate my small packed lunch in the toilets; I didn’t want to
bump into Sarah and her friends again so I decided it was best just to stay out
of the way. I hated lunchtimes, they seemed to last forever. I regularly thought
of my old lunchtimes, at my old high school. They used to be so much fun, I
missed my friends. “I wonder what they’re doing now,” I thought. “Have they
made new friends? Was it more fun without me?”...
I often
walked home as Mum didn’t have enough money for me to get the bus. Sometimes
Sarah and Miranda would follow me home, throwing twigs and leaves in my hair. I
tried to untangle them from my long hair, but I just made it worse. During the
Summer, Miranda made me carry her jumper and her bag. Sarah told me to carry her things too, saying
what would happen to me if I didn’t, so I had no choice but to do what she
said.
Luckily,
they didn’t live by us; I had to walk much further than them to get to our
house. As I approached the house, mum was outside to greet me. “Hello darling!
How was your day?” She asked this question almost every day, and I always
replied with, “Fine mum.”
Mum was
gardening when I got in; her short hair was in a tangled mess with bits of
leaves in, just like mine. She didn’t seem to notice the twigs in my hair; it
didn’t feel like she noticed me at all some days. She was far too busy
attacking the weeds that filled our embarrassingly tiny garden. There were thorn
bushes that needed trimming and bits of litter that people had carelessly threw
into our garden. It looked a state despite Mum working tirelessly to try and
sort it out. I aimlessly wandered up to my room, treading carefully past mum,
trying not to get in her way.
I had a
history essay to do, (and probably Sarah’s too) so I attempted that,
desperately trying to shut out the annoying noise mum was making outside with
the lawn mower. I wanted to scream down at her, but none of my anger was her
fault. Since my dad died a year ago, things had never been the same. Mum had tried
to talk to me about everything, but I felt uncomfortable and stressed every
time she brought it up. I preferred being on my own.
My room felt
so empty. I hated the way my bed squeaked. I hated my room. Just as I finished
my essay, I heard mum shout up to me from outside. “Sam! Someone’s here for
you!” I startled and nearly fell off my bed! “No-one’s ever knocked for me
before?” I said, quite perplexed. I made my way down the stairs to see who it
was. The stairs where bare, with little spikes of nails sticking out. I was
determined not to let in whoever had come to see me. Our house was a mess.
“Hello?” I said in a gentle voice, as I approached the front door. Mum went into the kitchen, I think she’d
realised I didn’t want her there by the look on my face. My heart skipped a beat; it felt like it was
going to jump out of my chest at any moment...“Hey, Samantha!” Miranda yelled,
skipping down the muddy path, stamping on all of the weeds. “I thought I’d just
pop by and let you know me and Sarah’s History essays are due in tomorrow. I
thought you might need some extra paper so I’ve brought some round, here you
go!” she said cheerily, as she handed me her book and 2 pieces of plain white
paper. I wasn’t entirely sure what to say to her. I was so angry, and really tempted
to throw the paper back in her face, but of course, I didn’t, I just took it
from her hand, and shut the door. “Bye!” Miranda shouted, sarcastically. I made
my way upstairs, sulking. Mum followed me. “Sammy? What’s up?” she asked,
trying to comfort me. I took no notice. “Nothing mum, just leave it!” I
snapped.
She didn’t
answer after that. I guessed she’d gone back to do more cleaning. It seemed
that’s all she did lately. Mum hadn’t got a job yet. She rarely spoke about getting
a job, she just kept herself busy by cleaning. My dad used to have a very
successful job as a lawyer, but since he died, there’s been no money. I don’t
think I’ve seen mum smile at all since Dad passed away. It’s been a very
different life for both of us.
I buried my
head under my pillow and slammed my door shut that night. I heard mum shout my
name repeatedly for tea, but I didn’t come down. I didn’t want to do anything
anymore. I just wanted to crawl away.
I woke up
late the next morning, remembering I hadn’t done Miranda and Sarah’s history
essays! I startled and paced around my room for about half an hour. The floor
boards creaked. I didn’t have time now, I had to get ready for school; I was
going to be late for the bus. I dashed downstairs, not caring what I looked
like. My tie was all messed up, so of course mum had to sort it out. “Samantha
Geraldine Hunt, where do you think you are going looking like that? And wipe
that stupid red paint off your lips right this second!” Mum screamed. I hated it
when she used my full name. I hated mum. I shouted abuse back at her, and she
smacked me so hard across my face. I stomped upstairs, screaming as loud as I
could. All of a sudden, my room started spinning, I went so dizzy, and
collapsed onto my bed. A few minutes later, I regained consciousness, and heard
mum downstairs sniffling, and a clattering of plates. I snatched my blazer off
my door handle and dashed out of the door. I looked at my watch, my heart sank.
I’d missed the bus. Thoughts started running through my mind, my head was banging.
Tears ran down my face. The wind was attacking my face, mascara slid down my cheeks.
I looked awful. I ran and ran and ran, hoping I’d eventually get to school, but
I didn’t know whether or not to just keep running...
It was all
so hazy; I could barely see a thing. My eyes were filled with tears and they streamed
down my red face, my cheek still throbbing. A sign for Shakes High suddenly
appeared, so I sprinted straight through the gate, bumping into pupils as I ran.
I wasn’t thinking, I simply just kept running. I accidently bumped into Mrs
Parks, my maths teacher. Her hot chocolate spilt all over her black skirt, “What
are you doing dashing about like this Miss Hunt? You do know this is a school
building, not somewhere for you to just run about doo-lally!” Mrs. Parks
exclaimed, in a sharp tone. I could see Miranda and Sarah in the corner of my
eye, sniggering to each other, pulling faces at me. I squirmed, thinking of
something to say, “Err, sorry Mrs. Parks, I didn’t mean to bump into you, I didn’t
mean to, I’m terribly sorry,” I said, apologetically. Mrs. Parks acknowledged
my apology. “Get to class please; the bell’s going to sound any minute.” I did
as she said and scurried across towards my form room, deliberately not making eye contact with Miranda and Sarah. It was too
late, they’d seen me. Sarah followed me eagerly, and Miranda trotted along
behind. I was furious. I started jogging, but it was no use, they kept up. Sarah
grabbed hold of my hair and ragged it out of its pony tail. “Ow!” I yelped, as
my long thick brown hair became a tangled mess. “So Sammy,” Miranda said in a sarcastic tone, like I was a joke. I
hated the way she treated me like I was nothing. “Where are our History essays then, eh?” she
questioned. I ignored her and kept on running, longing to reach form so I could
see Miss Honey. Then I’d be safe I thought. Miranda repeated herself, as though
I hadn’t heard her properly, (of course I
had). “Where are our History essays?” she screamed, sounding extremely
irritated at my lack of response. Sarah attempted to trip me up, forcing me to
stop abruptly. “I don’t have them,” I whispered. Miranda seemed even more irritated now. Her
small, plump face went bright red, and her long, dangly ear-rings shook. All of
a sudden, she threw a tantrum right in front of me, calling me names, screaming
abuse, as the other pupils stared on, watching her rant at me. Sarah just stood
there, bewildered. I just listened to her, taking in everything she said to me.
I felt so down inside. It just felt like the whole world was against me. I
guess I’d felt like that for ages. Slowly, I walked away from Miranda, feeling
like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders; she continued to moan to Sarah.
Just then, Jane
came up to me. “Oh no,” I said to myself. I didn’t need any more nasty language
from these horrible girls I didn’t even want to be around. “Why should I take
this abuse? I’ve done nothing wrong,” I thought to myself, and this immediately
made me feel stronger. She tapped my
shoulder; I turned round, “what do you want?” I asked angrily. Jane seemed terribly surprised; almost
saddened I’d spoken to her in this way, like we’d been best friends forever or
something. “I just wanted to say, I’m sorry,” she whispered softly. I was
pleased that she’d had the courage to come up and say this, but I still wasn’t reassured
that she would now become my friend. It didn’t really make me feel better. I
needed something that would.
Form was a
struggle; I thought I’d be okay talking things through with Miss Honey, but she
wasn’t in. It was a supply teacher. I didn’t like the look of her at all. She
had a zebra print jacket on, yellow jeans and a sparkly pink top, black boots
with glasses at the tip of her nose. She couldn’t pronounce any of our names
right, which was strange, as all of our names were fairly normal and easy to
say.
When school
was over, I walked home on my own. My head was all over the place. What would
happen once I got home after I had left the house this morning in such a state?
After mum had hit me? Surprisingly, mum seemed in a jovial mood, asking me
about my day. Obviously trying to forget this morning’s events, she kept doting
on me until I rejected a homemade cookie. “I don’t really feel in the mood for
food right now mum.”
“Samantha,
could I trust you in the house for half an hour? I’ve got to nip to see your granddad
in hospital, he’s not very well you see darling. I’ll be back soon. Don’t
answer the do..“
“I won’t
mum.” I said, interrupting her.
“Good, see
you in half an hour goodbye!” Mum said, shutting the door tight.
“Bye,” I
said, as my voice faded.
The house
seemed so daunting when I was the only one in it. I felt a bit intimidated, and
all my anger came flooding back. I ran to my room and started banging loudly on
my walls, screaming and yelling at the top of my voice. I stripped pictures of
mum and me off my wall, and threw the covers off my bed, messing up my room in
a rage. My glass photo frame shattered into tiny shards of glass onto my wooden
floor. In it was a picture of me and my Dad. Tears trickled slowly down my
face. Crawling into the corner of my bedroom, I hugged and squeezed my teddy Bluebell.
He was my only friend now. When I eventually stopped crying, I wandered into
mum’s room I noticed some anti-depressant pills beside her bed. Thoughts raced
through my brain again and suddenly I felt my hand reach for the small jar.
“What are you doing Sam?” voices repetitively sounded in my head. They sounded
just like Dad. I shook the jar, and about 15 pills fell out into the palm of my
hand. The room was still. I felt a cold shudder, as my arm lifted to my mouth,
and I swallowed the tablets. Slowly I slumped to the floor with a thud...
The next
thing I can remember was waking up in a hospital bed. Mum was sat in a chair
opposite me, squeezing my hand nervously. I felt her shaking. There was a nurse
beside me too and it looked like she was
speaking to me, but I couldn’t hear a word she was saying, until she mentioned
the word ‘bullying’. My ears pricked up immediately.
“What has
Miranda told you? Why are you all here?” I shrieked, terrified to realise I was
still stuck in the middle of this nightmare.
“Who’s
Miranda love?” Mum asked, looking interested in me for a change.
“No-one mum,
just leave it.” I said, knowing I’d said this a million times before.
Mum looked
saddened as she knew I hadn’t told her what I had been going through.
“Now Samantha,
I think you had better tell your mum what’s been going on,” the nurse said,
encouraging me to open up. It pained me to say it, but I told her the truth.....
from beginning to end.
Mum seemed
horrified at what I had told her, but she was in no position to question me
about it. I saw the guilt on her face. She’d obviously remembered all of the
times she’d given me the cold shoulder. Mum reached out and gave me a hug which
reassured me that she really was sorry.
“I’m sorry too
mum,” I said softly, as I hugged her tightly.
“You’ve
nothing to be sorry for dear, I’m sorry. I should never have left you. I wish
you could have told me what was going on. Promise me, from now on, you’ll tell me if
something’s upsetting you?” Mum looked at me, eager for an answer. I nodded my
head, hoping mum would understand. The nurse interrupted.
“Mrs. Hunt,
I’m sure you’ll be glad to know Samantha’s going to be just fine. We’ll just
have to keep her in for a couple more days, just to keep an eye on her, but
things are going fine,” she said cheerily.
I was
relieved. It was a terrible mistake taking mum’s medication. I had just felt so
lost and empty and needed something to make me feel better. I wished I’d told
someone about Miranda and Sarah earlier, and then maybe these problems wouldn’t
have escalated to such an extent. I probably wouldn’t be in hospital now if I
had told Miss Honey about them sooner. I wish I had...
“There’s
someone here to see you, Sam,” the nurse said. I looked up and felt elated. It
was Miss Honey!
“Hello
sweetheart,” she said gently. “I heard you’ve not been too well recently. I
want you to know that Miranda and Sarah are in grave trouble with the Head
teacher. They are going to be severely dealt with, don’t you worry,” she said
as she handed me a little cuddly teddy. It had a lovely soft feel to it, and it
was holding a jar of honey.
“Aww, Miss
that’s so kind of you! You’re truly the best teacher in the world,” I said,
reaching over to her for a hug. “I’m going to name it Honey bear” I said
proudly. Miss Honey gave a little chuckle, and I did too.
